More often than not, our relationships come to an end. Yes, in this case I am not referring to friend-zones or platonic relationships, but to the romantic ones. As much as I would love to believe that there is someone out there for me, right now, that seems like an unrealistic expectation.
This break-up hasn’t left made me pessimistic, but cautious. It hasn’t made me fall out of love with the concept of romance, but has merely opened my eyes to the dangers of losing my own self for the happiness of someone else. I was a hopeless romantic, who believed in happy endings and settling down after a couple of years, but not anymore. Now I understand the extent to which I can stretch myself thin to be what the other person wants me to be, and it’s beyond realistic. I have seen myself break my soul down to fix someone else’s shattered heart. I have cried and fought for a love that was never mine to begin with. I have lost, and still tried to hold on to an illusion that maybe things will get better.
The truth is, some things just aren’t meant to be. Some friendships wither away, some people can never be good parents, some children are unconventional, and some partners do not stay. To live in a fantasy where you believe that going 3 days in a row without fighting with your boyfriend/girlfriend is an amazing sign of your relationship, is tricky, and toxic. I held on to little things: letters, photographs and memories of a good date, to convince myself that all my insecurities and worries are just in my head, and not ingrained within my partner. I hurt myself by staying with her for far too long, even though I knew that I was going to cry myself to sleep 3 nights a week. It did not work out the way my mind had imagined it, but I still chose to stop and w
ait; wait for a sign that it was worth it.
Nothing should ever be worth more than your own life. Nobody should ever have the power to bring you down, and then pick you back up like nothing ever happened. If you feel suffocated, LEAVE. If you don’t feel like trying, LEAVE. If you are not happy, LEAVE. If you just can NOT stay, LEAVE. It took me a great amount of time and effort to thank my ex for taking a decision that I know I never could have. Even though things have gotten worse for us after splitting, and I am hurting, it is not as bad as the torture I used to induce upon my own self, just because I was scared of letting go, and I was scared of not being loved anymore.
I loved my ex, for what it is worth. Our lives are independent of each other now, and I tell myself everyday that that is how it is going to be. I was not able to see the harm I had done to my self-image, self-esteem and self-respect, because I was standing behind a smokescreen, trying to look for a glimmer of hope through a dark tunnel of misconceptions. I have learned a lot, both during and after the relationship got over. There are so, so many things that I have to work on, and so many things that I have to fix. The damage that has been done may never be repaired, but I can at least now confidently give time to my own self, instead of cutting myself apart for other people who just couldn’t care less about my existence.
Love is a beautiful thing. You will love a lot of people in your life, but will not stay together with many of them. Doesn’t mean you give up on it, because it is a huge World after all. The struggles that you are going through right now may resonate with someone else a few years down the lane, and you will know that there is something there to pursue. And if you find that you have hit a dead-end, breathe and let go. You know you loved them, and you know you tried. That is all that matters.
P.S.: A word of caution: please don’t make that person your Universe. I know we love being mushy, but functioning as a small, timid planet orbiting around a glorious, sexy star is not the ideal prototype of a healthy relationship. Even if you want to love them to the moon and back, make sure you first have enough love to appreciate yourself. Rest will fall in place.
Life Through Different Glasses 